NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
