don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
