The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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