hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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