thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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