hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
