yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She announced her abortion via fbk
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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