I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
