billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
