It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
