I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
