we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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