Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
