I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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