What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
