i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
