can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
