I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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