I looked at my own cervix.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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