12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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