I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
