drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
