I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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