Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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