I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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