don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
