Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
