is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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