Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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