It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
