You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
They have beer where we have blood.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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