I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
