Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Randomize
