the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
