so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
