WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
