I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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