just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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