Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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