Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
