Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
