I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
