I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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