News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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