Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
