We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
