I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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