i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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