yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
