I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
