I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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