i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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