dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.