when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?