I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.