Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
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i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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