I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
