You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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