Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
