Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
