My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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