Welp...herpes.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
