I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
