85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
