Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
