It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
