When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
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