i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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